Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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