Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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