She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i was born a porn star she said
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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