Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
