Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
