She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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