He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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