No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
