Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
