you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
