So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
