It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
