I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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