It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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