I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
