I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
