i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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