im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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