So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
