M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
