when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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