im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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