Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
