you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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