I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
