you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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