So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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