Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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