I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
