you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize