My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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