i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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