guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
