please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
