I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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