Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
