Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize