I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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