his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
