i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
