Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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