sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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