Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
