we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
