I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
