i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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