he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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