Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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