Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
