My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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