Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
