i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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