I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I will pee on everything he values.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
