I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
