He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
