oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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