i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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