He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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