If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
