can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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