how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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