I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
